We all have them: some one in our family who is a little odd, or not on center. Be it a crazy aunt, a strange uncle, etc. None of that prepared me for what I’m about to share with you.
First of all, most of my family know I blog. My wife has read some of my pieces, and interestingly enough is completely opposite as me as far as political issues go. (Yeah that surprised me). What I’m going to say here is a sensitive issue for my in-law family. I’m not going to reveal any “true identities” even if my family reads this they will know who I am talking about.
I write this article not to shed light on the persons problem, I write this article because I have mixed feelings and I want to get it out of my system and ask Technosailor readers what they think about my situation.
Last Monday evening (2/27/06) , my wife and I finally had some time to cuddle on the couch after a tough weekend. As an “experienced” husband (2nd time around for me), I know that ALL newlyweds have an adjustment period. This is where personalities clash, you have strange quirks that the other person has to get used to, etc. This weekend was no exception, but we had harbored some resentments. Well, Monday was that makeup day for us. We were in the process of cuddling on the bed (don’t get any funny ideas), and having some deep meaningful and open conversations about our feelings and issues. My wife suddenly dropped the motherload of bombshells into my lap.
To start out, I love my new extended family. I got really lucky. My mother in law has her issues about my wife and I getting married (she thinks my wife robbed the cradle LOL), but if that’s my only quirk I got lucky right? So far I have spent most of every holiday with them in some fashion. I’ve gone to family reunions with them, BBQ’s, and many sporting events, movies, etc.
To explain my wife’s side she has two brothers, a sister, and two half sisters (same father). Each of them has a significant other and up to now, had seemed “normal”. In otherwords, no weird character flaws, or something that throws you off with them.
That changed when my wife confessed to me something about her step-sister’s boyfriend. My wife’s step-sister whom we’ll call “Mary”, has been dating “Mack” for five years. Mary and Mack have been living together, playing house, and trying to manage life. Mack seemed like a genuine guy. You know the type, big, burly, tattoos all over, loves Harley Davidsons, etc. Well I came to find out that aside from having the big teddy bear personality, he’s also a Level 3 Sex Offender.
Offense Statute(s): 609.344
Offense Information:
Offender has a history of sexually assaulting minors of both sexes. The contact includes fondling and penetration. The offender uses his position of authority to gain compliance and the offender was known to all the victims.
The story goes, as my wife tells it, that it happened a long time ago. That it involved someone or a couple of kids who were under the age of 13. That lvl 3 classification of course makes him a predator.
What disturbs me is that I do not know if my wife’s other family members know that he is a LVL 3. I say that because when we go over to her sister’s house during Christmas and Thanksgiving, there are kids in the house. Sure he’s supervised, sure he’s not going to do anything stupid, but, it’s a huge house, and if one is not watching, something could happen in an obscure corner somewhere.
Am I over reacting?
“Mack” up until that confession from my wife, was “Ok” in my book. I liked the guy, he had a good sense of humor, we talked about motorcycles a lot. We both ride and even though I prefer the rice models, he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, we got along really well.
You do not get classified as a LVL 3 without there being sufficient cause. This isn’t a case where you groped someone on a subway, or stood close to someone waiting in line. This is very serious.
I don’t know how it is in your state, but here in Minnesota we have a LVL 3 sex offender website. You can search it by name, county, city, etc. Yes, “Mack” is on it. It includes his mug shot, what he’s convicted of, and his supervisory status.
I am certain you are asking yourself “What about Mary?”, “Does she know?”. The answer to both of those is YES she’s known about “Mack’s” past for some time now.
I can’t imagine why any woman would be willing to spend 5+ years with someone who is a sexual predator. I can’t understand why my in-laws are not more alarmed each holiday that “He” is coming. And I can’t understand why my wife wanted me to keep this to myself.
First of all it’s a matter of public record, and if you simply look you will find it. Secondly, how can you brush this under a rug? Third, how can you trust this person to ever spend time with anyone you love and care for?
I am torn because I liked the guy, right up to the LVL 3 Sex Offender Part. I am deeply disturbed by these crimes because my own family was affected by sexual predators and that has deep scars on my side. So much so that it took me watching my grandfather suffer and die on a hospital bed to forgive him his transgressions against my mom. He never touched me, but I never forgave him for the emotional distress caused my mom until I watched him struggle with death.
Sexual abuse is one of the WORST crimes on the planet to me. Most of the victims would rather be killed during the commission of the crime than suffer through their self humiliation and self blame for what occurred.
It’s tragic really.
As far as I know, everything is continuing to go on as normal on my wife’s side of the family. That leads me to question if they know. If they do, and are ok with it, does this make me abnormal?
I want to thank Aaron for deleting my last piece I did. It helped me to rewrite it into something that I think is far better. J Thanks buddy.
As for this article, what do you think? Do you think I’m being overly sensitive? How would you handle this revelation?
{ 20 comments }
Carol 03.03.06 at 11:59 pm
Oh boy. This is a tough one…on so many levels.
Do you know ALL of the circumstances surrounding the crime? Or just that he was convicted and sentenced? I would get that information from the police, and see what THEY say…then, depending on how heinous the information was, I’d simply refuse to spend any time with him.
You’re right. It’s a terrible crime, and you have every right to be angry, disgusted, and everything else you’re feeling. But just make sure you have ALL the facts before taking a firm stand.
And if you really do like the guy…maybe ask him? Take him aside, and say that you found out about X Y and Z, and you’d like to hear his side. How he responds could be his saving grace — or the thing that makes you grab your wife and run.
Hope this helps at least a little…
Carol 03.03.06 at 11:59 pm
Oh boy. This is a tough one…on so many levels.
Do you know ALL of the circumstances surrounding the crime? Or just that he was convicted and sentenced? I would get that information from the police, and see what THEY say…then, depending on how heinous the information was, I’d simply refuse to spend any time with him.
You’re right. It’s a terrible crime, and you have every right to be angry, disgusted, and everything else you’re feeling. But just make sure you have ALL the facts before taking a firm stand.
And if you really do like the guy…maybe ask him? Take him aside, and say that you found out about X Y and Z, and you’d like to hear his side. How he responds could be his saving grace — or the thing that makes you grab your wife and run.
Hope this helps at least a little…
Carol 03.03.06 at 11:59 pm
Oh boy. This is a tough one…on so many levels.
Do you know ALL of the circumstances surrounding the crime? Or just that he was convicted and sentenced? I would get that information from the police, and see what THEY say…then, depending on how heinous the information was, I’d simply refuse to spend any time with him.
You’re right. It’s a terrible crime, and you have every right to be angry, disgusted, and everything else you’re feeling. But just make sure you have ALL the facts before taking a firm stand.
And if you really do like the guy…maybe ask him? Take him aside, and say that you found out about X Y and Z, and you’d like to hear his side. How he responds could be his saving grace — or the thing that makes you grab your wife and run.
Hope this helps at least a little…
Carol 03.03.06 at 11:59 pm
Oh boy. This is a tough one…on so many levels.
Do you know ALL of the circumstances surrounding the crime? Or just that he was convicted and sentenced? I would get that information from the police, and see what THEY say…then, depending on how heinous the information was, I’d simply refuse to spend any time with him.
You’re right. It’s a terrible crime, and you have every right to be angry, disgusted, and everything else you’re feeling. But just make sure you have ALL the facts before taking a firm stand.
And if you really do like the guy…maybe ask him? Take him aside, and say that you found out about X Y and Z, and you’d like to hear his side. How he responds could be his saving grace — or the thing that makes you grab your wife and run.
Hope this helps at least a little…
David Nick 03.04.06 at 8:48 am
Thanks Carol for your insight. :)
I do not know ALL the circumstances that surround the case.
Mainly the conviction/sentencing.
I know “Mack” less and less, and I am not certain he’d appreciate me pulling him off to the side, especially when my wife says “You’re not supposed to know about this”.
Hiding this issue under the rug is a terrible idea in my opinion, half this world’s problems would be better dealt with if everyone would just lay all their cards on the table and deal with the issues head on.
We all don’t work that way however. :(
I think for now I need to do some serious soul searching about how best to handle this, but I need to know who else knows and for how long.
David Nick 03.04.06 at 8:48 am
Thanks Carol for your insight. :)
I do not know ALL the circumstances that surround the case.
Mainly the conviction/sentencing.
I know “Mack” less and less, and I am not certain he’d appreciate me pulling him off to the side, especially when my wife says “You’re not supposed to know about this”.
Hiding this issue under the rug is a terrible idea in my opinion, half this world’s problems would be better dealt with if everyone would just lay all their cards on the table and deal with the issues head on.
We all don’t work that way however. :(
I think for now I need to do some serious soul searching about how best to handle this, but I need to know who else knows and for how long.
David Nick 03.04.06 at 8:48 am
Thanks Carol for your insight. :)
I do not know ALL the circumstances that surround the case.
Mainly the conviction/sentencing.
I know “Mack” less and less, and I am not certain he’d appreciate me pulling him off to the side, especially when my wife says “You’re not supposed to know about this”.
Hiding this issue under the rug is a terrible idea in my opinion, half this world’s problems would be better dealt with if everyone would just lay all their cards on the table and deal with the issues head on.
We all don’t work that way however. :(
I think for now I need to do some serious soul searching about how best to handle this, but I need to know who else knows and for how long.
David Nick 03.04.06 at 8:48 am
Thanks Carol for your insight. :)
I do not know ALL the circumstances that surround the case.
Mainly the conviction/sentencing.
I know “Mack” less and less, and I am not certain he’d appreciate me pulling him off to the side, especially when my wife says “You’re not supposed to know about this”.
Hiding this issue under the rug is a terrible idea in my opinion, half this world’s problems would be better dealt with if everyone would just lay all their cards on the table and deal with the issues head on.
We all don’t work that way however. :(
I think for now I need to do some serious soul searching about how best to handle this, but I need to know who else knows and for how long.
Carol 03.04.06 at 8:54 am
Funny — I woke up this morning thinking about this.
You might want to tell your wife that without having all of the facts, you have to make the firm decision to stay away from this man. The fact that nobody’s being open about the “incident”, for lack of a better word, makes me wonder if there wasn’t a lot more to it than what you’ve been told thus far.
Unless you’re able to make an informed decision…with all the facts…you would do well to stay away from this person, and be a little less welcoming to those who put any importance on shielding his “secret”.
I could care less what adults do to each other, but when a crime involves children — all bets are off.
Carol 03.04.06 at 8:54 am
Funny — I woke up this morning thinking about this.
You might want to tell your wife that without having all of the facts, you have to make the firm decision to stay away from this man. The fact that nobody’s being open about the “incident”, for lack of a better word, makes me wonder if there wasn’t a lot more to it than what you’ve been told thus far.
Unless you’re able to make an informed decision…with all the facts…you would do well to stay away from this person, and be a little less welcoming to those who put any importance on shielding his “secret”.
I could care less what adults do to each other, but when a crime involves children — all bets are off.
Carol 03.04.06 at 8:54 am
Funny — I woke up this morning thinking about this.
You might want to tell your wife that without having all of the facts, you have to make the firm decision to stay away from this man. The fact that nobody’s being open about the “incident”, for lack of a better word, makes me wonder if there wasn’t a lot more to it than what you’ve been told thus far.
Unless you’re able to make an informed decision…with all the facts…you would do well to stay away from this person, and be a little less welcoming to those who put any importance on shielding his “secret”.
I could care less what adults do to each other, but when a crime involves children — all bets are off.
Carol 03.04.06 at 8:54 am
Funny — I woke up this morning thinking about this.
You might want to tell your wife that without having all of the facts, you have to make the firm decision to stay away from this man. The fact that nobody’s being open about the “incident”, for lack of a better word, makes me wonder if there wasn’t a lot more to it than what you’ve been told thus far.
Unless you’re able to make an informed decision…with all the facts…you would do well to stay away from this person, and be a little less welcoming to those who put any importance on shielding his “secret”.
I could care less what adults do to each other, but when a crime involves children — all bets are off.
Stacie 03.06.06 at 9:54 am
I didn’t pick up whether you had children or not. I have to admit, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable being around him. At the very least, I would be keeping a close eye on my children and have serious “private parts” and “you can tell mommy/daddy anything”.
Next, how well do you trust your wife and her instincts? I ask because if she seems ok with this, then you may just want to tuck it into the back of your mind for a while. And in turn, your wife needs to respect your reaction.
Stacie 03.06.06 at 9:54 am
I didn’t pick up whether you had children or not. I have to admit, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable being around him. At the very least, I would be keeping a close eye on my children and have serious “private parts” and “you can tell mommy/daddy anything”.
Next, how well do you trust your wife and her instincts? I ask because if she seems ok with this, then you may just want to tuck it into the back of your mind for a while. And in turn, your wife needs to respect your reaction.
Stacie 03.06.06 at 9:54 am
I didn’t pick up whether you had children or not. I have to admit, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable being around him. At the very least, I would be keeping a close eye on my children and have serious “private parts” and “you can tell mommy/daddy anything”.
Next, how well do you trust your wife and her instincts? I ask because if she seems ok with this, then you may just want to tuck it into the back of your mind for a while. And in turn, your wife needs to respect your reaction.
Stacie 03.06.06 at 9:54 am
I didn’t pick up whether you had children or not. I have to admit, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable being around him. At the very least, I would be keeping a close eye on my children and have serious “private parts” and “you can tell mommy/daddy anything”.
Next, how well do you trust your wife and her instincts? I ask because if she seems ok with this, then you may just want to tuck it into the back of your mind for a while. And in turn, your wife needs to respect your reaction.
David Nick 03.06.06 at 11:21 pm
I don’t have kids, although I have raised children before. (long story). So I understand parenting and the need to protect children. If that’s what “yer” getting at.
Secondly, I have discussed this with my wife. She feels that talking to other people about this is betraying the confidence of her sister in law. (I know, that didn’t make sense to me either)
So, I have not brought the topic back up with her, I will wait for a later time.
I am not alright with this whole situation. And even if my wife accepted him and chalked it up to a “that was in the past” belief, I cannot.
I want to give a person a chance, but when you have been convicted of a serious offense, how much of a shot do you have to give someone?
David Nick 03.06.06 at 11:21 pm
I don’t have kids, although I have raised children before. (long story). So I understand parenting and the need to protect children. If that’s what “yer” getting at.
Secondly, I have discussed this with my wife. She feels that talking to other people about this is betraying the confidence of her sister in law. (I know, that didn’t make sense to me either)
So, I have not brought the topic back up with her, I will wait for a later time.
I am not alright with this whole situation. And even if my wife accepted him and chalked it up to a “that was in the past” belief, I cannot.
I want to give a person a chance, but when you have been convicted of a serious offense, how much of a shot do you have to give someone?
David Nick 03.06.06 at 11:21 pm
I don’t have kids, although I have raised children before. (long story). So I understand parenting and the need to protect children. If that’s what “yer” getting at.
Secondly, I have discussed this with my wife. She feels that talking to other people about this is betraying the confidence of her sister in law. (I know, that didn’t make sense to me either)
So, I have not brought the topic back up with her, I will wait for a later time.
I am not alright with this whole situation. And even if my wife accepted him and chalked it up to a “that was in the past” belief, I cannot.
I want to give a person a chance, but when you have been convicted of a serious offense, how much of a shot do you have to give someone?
David Nick 03.06.06 at 11:21 pm
I don’t have kids, although I have raised children before. (long story). So I understand parenting and the need to protect children. If that’s what “yer” getting at.
Secondly, I have discussed this with my wife. She feels that talking to other people about this is betraying the confidence of her sister in law. (I know, that didn’t make sense to me either)
So, I have not brought the topic back up with her, I will wait for a later time.
I am not alright with this whole situation. And even if my wife accepted him and chalked it up to a “that was in the past” belief, I cannot.
I want to give a person a chance, but when you have been convicted of a serious offense, how much of a shot do you have to give someone?
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